Branching Out

Instead of pruning his defects like wilted leaves, he remembers to look at the tree

Reprinted with permission from Grapevine, June 2013

     The exact nature of our wrong in step 5 is expressed in terms of “defects of character”. In step 6, we offer up to God for removal of our “shortcomings”. Bill Wilson, when asked why he used two different sets of words to define character defects, he said it was to avoid repetition. Some members waste time needlessly trying to find the difference between the two expressions. It doesn't matter what you call them, if you don't change the nature of these defects, then they will change you, in my experience, and not for the better.

     There are two deep emotions driving all the feelings that I have ever had. Each feeling has it's roots in either Love or Fear. I personally don't see any character defects related to love. Even jealousy is related to the fear of loosing love. All shortcomings are connected one way or another to fear.

     I had been asking God (praying) to remove individual defects only to have them show up on another day. This is treating the symptom and not the cause. The symptom may go away for a short time but will return if the cause isn't removed.  Most of the time I have no idea why I do those things, so asking to have the defect removed doesn't work. I have found that I don't have to know the reason why, God does and He has the power to heal the real problem. I now pray that the CAUSE of the defect be removed. I picture my defects as leaves, on a large branch, extending from the trunk of a tree. The trunk is who I really am, the branch is the fear and the leaves are individual defects. Plucking the defective leaf off the branch may help for the moment but eventually another leaf will grow back. Making changes at the branch will affect the entire tree.

     When something works I continue to use it. By asking God to heal the source I have found not only is that one defect removed but many others as well. I have only been praying for the sources to be healed for a few months and can really feel a difference within me. I am so excited about this new method of praying that I felt a need to share it with everyone. It is working for me and maybe, if you try it, it will work for you as well.

                                                                                                                         John L, Citrus County

 

CALL ON THE NEW PERSON

Published in Grapevine, January 2012

Written by John L

 

 

Some call it Tag, and some “just pick someone”. The problem as I see it, being new in the area, is that I never get a chance to participate as everyone is picking their friends or people they know. I realize that I can put up my hand and break the chain but being new in the area I am feeling uneasy about that. Maybe it is pride, or ego but down deep I just want to be one of the group. This has happened on numerous occasions and not just in this area.

 

My suggestion is to step outside the box and call on the person visiting or new to the area. After the meeting, go over and introduce yourself. Try your best to welcome them. Remember our primary purpose is not to impress our friends but to carry the AA message to those who still may be suffering.

 

Remember, the time may come where you will be the one sitting on the outside of the circle wishing someone would call on YOU.

 

                                                                        Anonymous

A time to change or a time to pray

Published June 2012, Nature Coast Journal

Written by John L

The changes I make in my life should come from a mindset of acceptance or surren-der and not resistance. The energy which resistance creates is much different than that of surrender and the solutions to my problems will be much different as well. When turmoil comes into my life, I first try to accept where I am or surrender to the idea that I can not effectively change things with this state of mind. When ac-ceptance creeps in, it is time to listen to my inner voice. "Be still and know that I am God". The true answers to my condition will be revealed if only I get quiet and listen. If nothing comes, it is time to pray. John L—Editor

HAPPY 4th of JULY

Published in Nature Coast Journal, July 2012

As we celebrate our countries independence from oppression, terrine and domination from an outside country, I am reminded of my own inde-pendence from the downward spiral alcohol had take me. I was certainly oppressed and held prison-er within my own skin but a foe our AA founders call John Barleycorn.

There came a time in our country's history where the people just wouldn’t take it anymore and struck out in a different direction. My dilemma, although I was tired of the results I was getting day af-ter day, was I ready to do battle with this very powerful foe which was running my life. It wasn't July but August when I had finally had enough. There was no bloodshed on my road to freedom unlike what our forefathers had to en-dure. The battle went on inside me for year after year. Finally after many years of fighting, and I wasn’t winning, I finally gave up and turned every-thing over to God as I understood Him at the time. I think when the Star Spangle Banner was written, all seemed hopeless and our country would never be free. That is when God stepped in and things began to turn for the better.

The power of this god in my life now can be applied to every situation which comes along. Like our loving country, the war did end and we all cel-ebrated only to have another war come along a short time later and followed by many more. I have had many huge challenges along this road of sobriety and to date have made it through all of them with God's help and direction.

I pray daily that the advocacies to both my sobriety and this great country of ours continue to be overthrown and that we all have a chance to live in the sunlight of the spirit.

Martin Luther King said it well, "than God I am free at last"!!!!!!

Happy Independence Day to all our brother’s and sister’s throughout our land and to those in AA who have also been given this gift of inde-pendence from alcohol. John L, Editor

Forgiveness is the Answer to ALL My Problems Today

John Levasseur, Published Nature Coast Journal, November 2012

 

     On page 449 of the 3^rd edition of our Big Book, Doctor Paul says, “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today”. This is probably one of the most quoted sentences in the book. Fellow AA's quote this on a regular basis in meetings all over the world. I have always believed this to be a true statement as far as it goes but it can be taken a step further. I know today that acceptance is very important but not near as important as forgiveness. “Forgiveness is really the answer to all that is wrong with me, both then and now.”

     Growing up, in a dysfunctional household, my personality was molded around self-hatred and fear. There was nothing, absolutely nothing that I liked about myself. I was to short, too skinny, too shy, afraid of girls and had a family that was “crazy as a bedbug”. In my family there was lots of alcohol, family secrets and emotional abuse. I never remembered my parents saying that they loved me so I grew-up not knowing what love felt like, never mind how to give it. Self-hatred masqueraded as anger backed up with fear. When I did something wrong or didn’t live up to someone’s expectations the self-hatred grew. It kept growing until I found alcohol at 12. By 20 I was a daily drinker. That became my way of life until I sobered up at age 42. I was angry at everything, everyone, especially myself and didn’t have a clue how to get out of the deep hole I had put myself in. It was a very dark and sad place. I was now sober but still very sick on the inside.

     I didn’t come to AA skipping down the road with Jesus as some do, but rather looking down at the floor, shame oozing out of every pour, and a boatload of fear, with no God to help me. I could not look at myself in the mirror without despising the image that was looking back. I had no idea what was going on inside me. I had some hope that if I could not drink, somehow things would get better. It was only a small spark but never-the-less a spark.

     Now move ahead 6 years. Meetings everyday, no sponsor, no steps and still carrying all those negative emotions inside me. After having a gun to my head, I reached out to a fellow AA and started on the road to recovery. Friends would say to me, "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly". I was also told "if you were going any slower you would be going backwards".

     After many years of working the steps, professional help for dealing with the inner me, I came to the place of forgiveness within myself. I have since forgiven myself for ALL the things I had done to others and the things that were done to me. I forgave my parents by separating what they had done from who they were. I still do not accept the circumstances but can now love them for who they were, my parents. I no longer carry the burden of their guilt. I have set myself free from all those ill feelings which never worked anyway. Every day I would look in the mirror and say, "you are forgiven by God for all those things and now I forgive you as well". I stopped seeing myself as a sick person but instead as a loving father and friend. It took time and effort but eventually I started believing that guy in the mirror. I now know that, "even if I am on the right track, I will be hit by the train unless I am moving", so everyday I have to continue to love and forgive myself especially when the ugly side tries to come out and play the Blame Game.

     To this day most all my anger has been forgiven. It has taken far too long for me to get where I am but you know, it is what it is, and I can only look at me right now in this present moment and like what I see.

     Today I have to live within my own skin. When I feel uncomfortable for any reason there is something or someone I need to forgive. Doesn’t matter what it is; it usually takes forgiveness to get past it.

     If there is something or someone you need to forgive, don’t wait like I did. Life is too short to spend most of it in misery. Remember, misery is optional and could be a distant memory if your willing to forgive. So Easy Does It, but Do It.

 

COULD THEY ALL BE WRONG?

Published Nature Coast Journal, Citrus County, December 2010
Published Communique, Hernando County, December 2010

There is so many books on the market today dealing with the way in which I think. Some books were published 75 years ago, others 4,000 years ago, and they all say the same thing. What I think about is the way my life will unfold. Could they all be wrong? Is it possible that I already have the ultimate tool for a successful, happy life? The evidence is overwhelming in favor of YES. My thinking does control my life’s outcome.

Several years ago after pondering this idea, I came to the conclusion that they’re just maybe something to this new way of thinking. What did I have to loose by practicing it, lets say for a year, and see what happens.

After lot's of reading I did take the suggestions and looked at my daily life in a different light.
1. Bad things became learning experiences.
2. Financial setbacks became a chance to grow.
3. Depression became a chance to come closer to God.

This new way of thinking was very difficult in the beginning. The more I practiced the better I became. After doing this for many years it has now becomes second nature. I now look at the world with a “new pair of glasses” as Chuck C puts it.

Thanks to an open mind, the influence of friends and a God that wants me to be “happy, joyous and free”, I have reached that goal today. The process was slow but I kept putting one positive thought in front of another and before long it happened. I was a free man.

Being a believer myself today, I beg of you to look at the way your life is going and see if it is in line with the way you think. If your not happy with the results you have now, give this method a chance and watch as the sunlight of the spirit begins to shine.

GRATEFUL

Am I Grateful?

Published Nature Coast Journal, November 2010

Do I thank the coffee maker for showing up early, setting up the hall, putting out snacks and cleaning up after the meeting or do I just expect because I’m a AA member that it will be automatically done for me?

Do I give thanks to my Intergroup and District Representative for giving of their time to attend the monthly meetings, representing my group and bringing back the latest announcements or information?

How about the Intergroup, Bookstore and District Officers? Oh, and the Hotline as well. And then what about the committees like the Gratitude Dinner, Corrections, Public Information, Alkathon’s, Thanksgiving Dinners, Cookouts and many others? These are members who are giving of themselves to carry our message.

Then there are those behind the web site and the newsletter. Have I ever shown my appreciation to those hard working members?

I need to remember that all of these positions are held by AA members who believe that giving back to our program is the way to insure that it will continue. Without these dedicated members AA in Citrus County would probably not be what it is today or may not be at all. There isn’t always someone willing to do the work. I personally have seen a hundred meetings close because members would not take the positions necessary to keep it going and I have been guilty of that as well.

I took a moment the other night to thank the coffee maker. He was surprised and pleased that I took the time to thank him. He said that was the first time anyone had show their appreciation of his service.
During this Gratitude Month and coming months, I will take the time to show my appreciation to those who serve.

Anonymous

Was Noah's Ark a Real Ship?

I am in no way putting down the the writings in the Bible but only trying to make sense of this one in my own mind.

Was Noah’s Ark a real ship or is this writing in the Bible meant to be more than just a nice story?

QUESTIONS:
Noah’s Ark, as it is written in the Bible, was 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and three stories tall. It took just under 100 years to build. It would have taken about 100,000 trees to complete the project. Could 4 men (Noah and his 3 sons) cut that many trees by themselves? Could there have be that many trees in the area. Would the local residents have allowed Noah to clear-cut all their shade without objection? After falling the trees, Noah and his son’s would have to cut the tree trunks into boards. All this cutting was by hand of course as there were no chain saws or even electricity. What about the 1 million nails that would have been required. Who make those and where did all that iron come from? What about the pitch to seal between the boards? Pitch comes from Pine and most of their trees were Palm.
Noah was 500 years old when he started building the Ark and 600 years old when the storm began. There is nothing written about the son’s living long lives. They would have been over 100 when they entered the Ark. And what about there wives? Would they still be able to have children? Remember the story of Sarah in the Bible. She was 90 when she had her first son and that was noteworthy.
And then comes the animals. Could 7 of each species fit on such a boat? What about the years worth of food that would have to be gathered? Where did all that food come from? Many animals only eat certain foods like the Panda Bears. What about the carnivorous species? What kind of meat did they eat? Many, many questions if this did indeed happen as written...
POSSIBLE ANSWERS:
I believe the story of the Arc is just that, a story. It has tremendous meaning and can teach us valuable lessons if we choose, in my opinion, to uncover the real reason this story has been handed down to us through the years. I don’t see it as more of a parable. Parables were used in that day to had down stories as there wasn’t the printed word as yet. Native Americans use stories to hand down their history. Jesus taught in parables, which he knew would be understood many generations later.

I now believe that I am the Arc! I need to get ready for life’s storms that lie ahead. I may not see them now but they are always there. Difficult times are coming so I need to gather all the spiritual strength that I can right now. Spiritual strength is the way through any tough difficulty. My spiritual strength is the animals or you might say my intuition. I need to gather into my Ark 7 of each clean animal (the number 7 means ”personal completeness”). A clean animal represents an intuitive answer to a particular problem. All the solutions that I need for every situation are with me in the Ark. Noah also brought in 2 of every unclean animal. The number 2 in the Bible represents “opposites or choices”. This means that my answers may have many different solutions.

And then there was the Unicorn. We loved the Unicorn. The Unicorn was left behind to show that I do not have all the answers. Problems will arise that I see no earthly solution for and I will have to turn to God for guidance and direction.

When the storm comes and the water begins to rise, the time will come for me to go inside my Arc. Here is where the answers are kept. The answers are not on the outside. That is where the problems are. As the waters rise I am to look inside and to God for the answer. Noah’s Arc only had one window and it was at the very top looking upward. If my ark has windows on the side as well then I will continue looking at the problem and the problem will continue to grow. For Noah the problem was the water. Continually looking at the rising water is not trusting that God will provide. I need to focus inside on prayer (solution) and forget about what is going on the outside (problem).

When the time is exactly right the Arc will come at rest and my feet will be planted on firm ground with a new appreciation for life and that particular problem will be no more.

The Arc is huge because my troubles can appear to be huge to me but the answer is always very small and direct. Focus on God.

In today’s news we read a lot about the date December 21 2012. On this day the Mayan calendar ends and it is predicted that the world may end as we know it and possibly by a worldwide flood. Now is the time to start building my Ark and gathering the animals. What would happen if I build my Ark and the rains don’t come? I will have a more positive way of thinking and a better way of addressing whatever life has in store for me. If that is the true time for the end of time then I will be ready.

I am building my Arc as we speak. What are you doing?

John L - 2010

Healing The Past

My past only becomes real when I remember something that happened a long time ago and bring that memory into the present moment. Nothing happens outside of the present moment. Life happens in the here and now. Past events are only thoughts. They are not reality. Remembering that the past cannot hurt me anymore, I can change. When I change what I am thinking the past goes back where it belongs. The more I practice this the quicker it retreats and the more I stay in the reality of the present moment. Prayer helps me to change the way I am thinking. Thank you God for these little gifts, which help me to stay sane for one more day.

John L-Editor - Nature Coast Journal, Apr 2010

Changing the Past:

I don’t waste my time grieving over the past. The past is gone. The only thing left is the memory. A memory is just a thought that is brought into the present moment to make me feel good or bad about myself. I don’t control what thoughts come in but I do control how long they stay.

Some say that the past can not be changed. I say the past is a memory of the way I perceived some event that happened long ago or only yesterday. If I can make amends for that action it will change the way I feel about me in relationship to the event. When I change the way I look at some event, the event will actually change its hold on me. When a situation still bothers me, I make a sincere effort to make it right and only then will those thoughts change for the better.

John L—Editor - Nature Coast Journal July 2010

My Favorite Subject - Attitude

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact that attitude has on my life. Attitude, to me is more important than fact. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than appearance, than circumstances, than successes, or even what other people think, say, or do about or to me. It will make or break a company, a church, a home or a person. The remarkable thing is that I have a choice what my attitude will be for that day.

I cannot change my past. I cannot change the fact that people will not act the way I want them to. The only thing I can do is play my song on the one string that I have, and that string is my attitude at this moment.

I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with all of us. I am playing MY song, just for today?

John L - Editor - Nature Coast Journal September 2010

“How The Universe Works”By John L, Pinellas Park, Florida
Published in the November 2006 Grapevine - Abbreviated Version

I grew up in the middle 50’s in a small town in southern New Hampshire. Everyone pretty much knew everyone else’s business and if things were not right, although concerned, they would look the other way. My father was very involved in the drinking community. When someone had a project and needed help, Henry was there. Of course there was always a case of beer involved. Don’t know if anything would have been accomplished without the beer. As I recall that concept was never tested.
One Friday evening an event happened that would change my family life forever. On his way home from work, my father was killed in an auto accident. His blood alcohol level was point three five. The police and a priest came to our house and told my mother what had happened. The priest told me that I was now the head of the family. I was 12 when this happened. From that moment I shut down all my feelings for the next thirty years. No God, no feelings, alone, but strong.
My mother started drinking heavily. Things got real bad very quickly. Two months after my fathers death I tried my first drink. It tasted terrible but I really liked the feeling. The shy, introvert that I was, became the outgoing, taller, better-looking guy that I always wanted too be. I would have done this much earlier had I only known. That was the beginning.
Although I wasn’t able to get liquor as often as I would have liked, I did managed a six-pack once in a while on weekends. I joined the Air Force after High School to avoid the Army as Vietnam was going strong at the time. The Air Force didn’t care what I did after work so I spent a lot of time in the enlisted men’s club.
I drank daily for another twenty-two years. Like most of us there were lots of little encounters, which I now know as signposts or glaring billboards depending on the weekend. One DWI and a few arrests lead to what I hope is my final drunk. This is the one I never want to forget.
I started drinking at the VFW, across the street from my apartment early one Saturday morning. Sometime late in the evening after drinking all day I was involved in a pushing match with a Spanish fellow over his refusal to speak English. My gun came out and I threatened him and his family. Lucky for me the bouncer was close by and jumped in taking away the gun. But for the Grace of God it didn’t go off. I was taken outside, beaten up and left unconscious in the parking lot.
The next morning the police arrived and off to jail I went. I was charged with assault with a deadly weapon and I was terrified. After a short stay in jail I set bail and proceeded to find a lawyer. The lawyer suggested, because I was guilty, I should consider not drinking anymore and maybe attending AA. “It might help when we go to court if I can tell the judge that you have been sober” she said. I knew she was right and I was really afraid.
I ended up at my first meeting, drinking of course. It did help with the fear. I really didn’t listen much but did hear someone say, “maybe you should go home, get down on your knees and ask God for help.” I did exactly that. I prayed right from the bottom of my soul “please God, help me, I can’t stop drinking.” That was more than twenty years ago. I was able to plea bargain the charges and they were removed from my record after a year of being sober.
I still attend AA on a regular basis, sponsor several guys, have a home group and been involved in the business end of several clubs. Has life been smooth since I got sober? Heck no. Like most of us I have made many bad decisions while trudging the road.
I have spent the past twenty years changing the way I think about myself. I now have the tools for success if only I choose to use them. The most powerful lesson that I have learned is that “it all happens inside my own head.” The perception of any situation is in my mind and I have a choice which way I want that mind to react. I try my best to look for positive solutions, taking my problems to my sponsor or let my friends know what is going on inside me. God works through people and when “the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” Sometime the teacher is an old timer and some times the new comer has the wisdom I need. The right answer will always come.
A day at a time with Gods guidance I plan never to drink again. I must always remember that “the monkey may be off my back but the circus hasn’t left town” and it never will for this alcoholic.
John L

Addiction Is Only A Symptom

ADDICTION IS ONLY A SYMPTOM OF THE UNDERLINING PROBLEM

Written by John Levasseur
Citrus County, Florida

Addiction... alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, eating and even having everything perfectly in it’s place is only a symptom of the underlining problem. Many who start a recovery program, like AA, find that after arresting the primary addiction the problem is still there. Sure the family is much happier now that the alcoholic has stopped drinking. The boss is happier now that his employee is showing up for work on time. The bill collectors are quiet and all appears to be going very well, at least on the surface. But reality is, nothing has really changed. The problem is still there and will come back if not treated. The problem is what needs treating so that the symptom will stay at bay.

Any addiction, doesn’t matter which one you pick, they all come under the heading, “outside solution for an inside problem.” Until you address the actual problem the desire to find an outside solution will still exist. I have watched this happen over and over in others as well as myself during my years in recover. Here are some of the obvious examples.

Example 1: Ted, a heavy drinker for years has joined AA and has been sober for a month. He is much happier and is using the group as his Higher Power. Ted attends a new meeting and meets Mary who is also a recovering alcohol who has been sober for two months. Love at first sight. They have coffee after the meeting, go over to Ted’s apartment and a mad love affair begins. Two weeks later, Ted has found the new love of his life in Phyllis who has just been released from rehab. Mary is devastated and goes back to drinking. In this case the love of alcohol was replaced with a love for attention. This happened to me after 3 years in recovery. At that point I was still the same person who sobered up three years before. Mine new addiction found me in a marriage that only lasted 52 days. I had a gun to my head wanting the pain to stop. Again I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

Example 2: After being sober a month and having more time on my hands, I joined a movie club at a local grocery store. After watching the first movie in years, I wanted to share the experience with all my friends. I went and purchased a second VCR for taping. Monday night was fifty-cent night for movie rentals. I would rent 5 movies and set the alarm clock for every two hours so I could change the tape and put in a new one. Within three months I had a library of 600 movies, a bookcase full of tapes, a new computer to keep the lists up to date and lots of new friends borrowing the free movies. It wasn’t until a friend pointed out to me that I was just switching seats on the Titanic. She said that eventually this obsession would turn to one that was more destructive. It was working for now but until I address the real problem, which only I was aware of, the obsessions would continue.

If it weren’t for looking for love in all the wrong places, or a simple distraction like taping movies, both myself and Ted would have found the race track, signed up for a new credit card, or put on twenty pounds with our new found love of Twinkies. Unless I look at the real problem, outside solution with continue to come, one after another.

MY SOLUTION: Each person has their own daemon that is unique to them. Mine was the extreme dislike that I had for myself. Since childhood I had always wanted to be someone else. My parents were no help. Both were alcoholics and had their own demons chasing them. Once I was aware of the actual problem, at age 45, I could finally make some serious changes in the way I thought. Awareness came in therapy with a good councilor. I was able to address the real problem head-on. I first had to stop the destructive behavior. I had already stopped drinking and now it was time to give away the movie collection. I donated it to my sober club. Then I started writing. I even had notes on my mirror reminding me that I wasn’t a bad person just one that had been lead down the wrong path. I was a computer programmer and knew that I had been programmed with lots of bugs and just needed to make some changes in the way I thought and all would be well. Now that I was on the right path it was time to start liking me, just for today. It was also time to start helping others.

This process took years not months like I wanted. Now I really like who I am, can look myself in the eye in that mirror and can be alone in my head for days now instead of minutes. I have not become a legend in my own mind as yet but really like the person that I have become. Still can’t say I love myself, but that’s ok for today.

If you do the work, you will get the results. If I change the way I look at things, the things that I look at will change. I changed the way I looked and thought about me and my outside world did change and to this day it changes one thought at a time.

Happy Joyous and Free

The secret to a happy, joyous and free life...

On page 53 in the Big Book it states “God wants us to be happy, joyous and free”. It further states on the same page “our misery is of our own making”. In the Buddhist teachings the primary purpose is to relieve suffering. Buddha teaches that all our misery and suffering can be traced to our inability to deal with reality. I create my on misery by thinking of some negative past event, and use that event to punish myself in the present moment. I can also predict the future in the same way bringing misery into the present.

The secret to success is to stay in the present moment. When my thinking strays into the past, seeking out those negative events, I must stop, say a little prayer, does not matter what prayer, and be grateful for the here and now. The same goes for projecting into the future.

Everything is a thought. Nothing happens unless it is preceded by a thought. Without thought, life would be completely blank. There would be no sun, no sky, no day or no night. Everything takes place within my little world, inside my mind. It is how I perceive the event that makes it joyous or miserable. I am responsible for my own happiness and my happiness centers in my mind and only in the present moment.

Start today by practicing being in the moment. Over time you will find that your outlook on life will change, the suffering will cease and the promise from the Big Book that God wants us to be happy, joyous and free will come true in your life as it has in mine.

John L
Citrus County, Florida 2009

Recovered versus Cured

I was at a meeting the other night and the question came up, "what is the real difference between Recovered and Cured." When I first thought about it, I 't have an answer. At least none that made sense. I said a simple little prayer, "God what is the answer?" and about 30 seconds later the answer came as a thought and it wasn't anything that came from me.

"Recovered means removal of the symptoms"
"Cured means removal of the cause"

I know that the cause is alcoholism and it is never removed but the symptoms such as, greed, lust, self centered, envy, fear and others can be removed or at least put in there proper place.

This is only the opinion of one alcoholic.

Published October 09, Nature Coast Journal

Fifth Chapter at The Wilson House

Finally Living My Dreams....

As my alcoholism rushed down the road toward its final destination. My days were spent in the bars looking at myself in the mirror and thinking “Someday I’ll”. My favorite was; “Someday I’ll ride a Harley through the back roads of Vermont, with a cool breeze blowing through my hair and the rumble of loud pipes in my ears”. I could almost feel it. “Give me another Budweiser!”

At that time my motorcycle was a little Honda 450. Just about every time I went out for a ride I would stop at a bar and eventually down I would go. I would put the bike away until the wounds healed and then I would do it all over again. I did this over and over for 10 years. I spent more time drinking, talking and wishing than riding. I somehow knew that it came down to, "do I want to drink or ride?" The drinking always won out.

In 1986, after being in a lot of trouble with the law over what the police called "my unacceptable drinking habits." It was then that I finally sobered up and joined the fellowship of AA. I just could not live the illusion that it was ever ging to get better.



At the first meeting there were bikers hanging outside the AA club. Here were real men with tattoos, long hair, beards, leathers and colors on the backs. I had short hair, clean shaven, well dressed and a computer programmer besides. InsidI of me there was a feeling that this was where I belonged. After being sober for a year and proving to myself that I could be trusted not to drink and drive anymore, I purchased a new Harley and started riding with the guys at the Friendship Center. The patch on their backs was a set of wings around the Big Book. They called themselves The Fifth Chapter. The name came from the chapter How it Works.

After a month of hanging around I decided to probate for the club. This was a process where I would get coffee for the full patch members and pretty much did what I was told. This was difficult for me as I was not a humble person at the time and having someone say to me “get off my as... and go get coffee”, was not my cup of tea but I did it anyway. After 6 months I was made a full member. I was so proud of my colors and being part of a brotherhood of like-minded sober men was great.

We camped out just about every weekend during the summer all over New England. What fun it was. This was sobriety at its finest; in the wind, loud pipes and great campfire meetings at the end of a long ride with true friends.

During the summer of 1988 we had our National Meeting in Rutland Vermont. What a great time that was. On Sunday morning, 200 of us jumped on our motorcycles and drove to the Wilson House in the sleepy little town of East Dorset. Here was the birthplace of Bill Wilson and he is buried with Lois just down the street. The guests at the Inn, who were sitting quietly on the porch, later said they thought there was a thunderstorm coming. The thunder got louder and closer. What was it? Then we turned the corner and drove down the street in front of the house. The ground was shaking from the noise. We filled up both sides of the street and around the house. Some went inside for a huge AA meeting. Most of us had our own meeting outside. What a great meeting that was. After the meeting about 50 of us rode to Bill’s grave. There were many tears of gratitude on our faces while standing next to his grave marker. This is only one of many gifts that I have been so graciously given in sobriety.


At long last I am doing the things that I had spent so many hours talking about and I owe it all to God for giving me the strength to put down the drink and walk into my first meeting.

Thank God, AA, and the Fifth Chapter for without these three I would still be sitting on that bar stool wondering what life could be like. I am now doing the things that I talked about during in those dark alcoholic days.



Thank you God,
John L Hernando, Florida

Using Step 3

While practicing my alcoholism, the seeds that I planted were seeds of bad decision-making. I was real good at making bad decisions. Then it was time for me to be sober. The law also thought that might be a good idea. My attorney suggested that I start attending AA. At my first meeting I was told the third step was for ME. I was told to turn my will and life over to the care of God. At first glance that was impossible. God was a punishing God and I surely needed punishing. At that time I needed to be in control but I know today that control is only an illusion. Once I made the decision, out of desperation, to turn my life over to God, my decisions became more aligned with Gods will and good things started to happen.
This new concept of step 3 came from the people in the meeting. God was speaking through them. When I listened and put what I learned into practice, things changed for the better.
A famous author from the 70’s wrote that “there are areas in my life that I think are right but in reality are wrong.” Once I knew what the right path was, it was up to me to step out, take a leap of faith and make the journey, even though it didn’t feel right.
Practicing the right thing, over and over, and planting only good seeds, roses began to appear.
I now care for others, make better decisions, love myself more, and trust in God. I cannot see Him, but I know today, He loves me and wants me to be happy. Thank GOD for STEP 3 and the people who spoke the words that were God given.
John L, Editor

Esteem - Webster's "The regard in which one is held"

Published in the Nature Coast Journal, July 2009

Where does self-esteem com from? Is it my car, my house, my job, what others think of me, maybe how long I have been sober or even how I look? All of these may temporally help the way I feel about myself but they won't last. The car gets old, the house gets dirty, the job may go, others will dissapprove at times, I may, God forbid, pick up a drink and as I get older my looks will change and I am told that it won't be for the better.

I have changed MY self image from one of hate to really liking who I am today. I have a loving God who approves, most of the time, in the way my life is going and love me even when I screw-up. It is self-love that really counts how I feel about me. And how I feel about me is how I am going to feel about you.

John L.
Editor

Character Defects

Published in the Nature Coast Journal - March 2009

Twenty three years after my first meeting, I still have most of the character defects the Big Book talks about. My character defects are to this day only a heartbeat away.

Years ago I begged God to remove these defects, but the next morning when I awoke, they were still there. I asked Him the next day and again they were still there. God helped me to become aware of the defects and allowed me to practice the opposite. I know today that my character will not allow empty spaces within it. For example, I just can’t ask God to remove my self-centeredness and expect that it will be gone tomorrow. It must be replace with helping others and it will not happen over night. After several years of helping others, I realized that my self-centeredness was nothing like it used to be. This is what we mean when we say, “do the next right thing”. Eventually the right thing will come first and all of those defects will be over shadowed by the character that God wants me to be.

Some of those defects have never gone away completely. Old thinking can come back if I stop working the program of recovery.

My world happens inside of me and I have the power, with God’s help, to overcome any adversity. Bad things may happen, that’s just life, but I can handle them now with this new way of thinking. I must now staying in the solution instead of the problem and continue to ask God to help me keeping those defects on the back burner as they really never go away.

Changing the way you think is not easy but unless you start today, tomorrow will be the same as yesterday. We only have today to work on ourselves. God will do His part if asked, and I have to do the legwork. “Easy Does It”, but DO IT.

John L, Citrus County, FL

There is no such thing as fear!”

Published Plain and Straight Newsletter - October 2007

Right now you may be thinking, “How can he say that? Of course there is fear, I feel it all the time.” Here is what I have learned over the years and the few simple steps I use to overcome all of my fears. Fear in itself is not real. Can you hold it? Can you see it? You can’t even smell it? It can only be felt. It’s an EMOTION. Fear creeps into my conscious mind when I project into the future in a negative way. If I am projecting positively, there is NO fear associated with the same event. Franklin Roosevelt said, “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Here are the steps that I use to overcome this crippling emotion. Ponder these 3 questions. Take some time with each:
· Am I a negative person?
· Could most of my fears be of my own making?
· Can I create a fear by thinking of the future in a bad way?
Fear, although it does take place in the present moment, can be controlled or eliminated by changing the way I think in that present moment. If you’re willing to change your thinking patterns, you to can eliminate fear from your life forever. In the beginning you will have to practice but over time it becomes automatic. Here is the simple 3-step process that I use to eliminate fear from my life:

1. When I am fearful over some event, I stop, and look at how I am projecting into the future
negatively.

2. I then ground myself in the present moment. I do this by asking the question, “is this real
or am I imagining it? Where is this fear actually taking place?” Fear always takes place in
MY mind and is always imagined. Fear does not take place outside of my own continuous.

3. Finally I must ask, “What positive result could come out of this situation?” and think about
that outcome? I must keep practicing number three, over and over until it becomes my
normal pattern of thinking instead of the old negative reaction.

Here is an example of how I used this method in 2004 when hurricane Charley was bearing down on Tampa Bay: The weather models were showing 20 colored lines with the storms path directly up the mouth of Tampa Bay. Only 1 of the models had the storm turning south. My first reaction was PANIC, then FEAR, and finally after practicing the 1-2-3 above, I transformed the fear into some degree of serenity, and peace. I concentrated on the one line instead of the 20. I refused to buy into the idea Charlie was coming here. I even talked about it with some of my friends and they said I was crazy. Well, we all know what happened. The storm took a sudden change in course, which was not seen by the experts. Punta Gorda was not so lucky. The people suffered greatly but I realized by staying in the present moment and remaining positive all things are possible inside MY world. Most of my friends wasted the entire week fearing what MIGHT happen. I on the other hand because I was thinking differently, had a wonderful week. Did God listen to me instead of the people further south? Of course not, but in my little world, inside my consciousness, there was peace. I wasn’t looking for someone else to suffer, just not me. I can go on and on how this formula has helped me overcome many of my fears. Try it, and when you see this working in your life, like me, you may say; “I do not fear anything, today”.

by John L, Citrus County Florida