Forgiveness is the Answer to ALL My Problems Today

John Levasseur, Published Nature Coast Journal, November 2012

 

     On page 449 of the 3^rd edition of our Big Book, Doctor Paul says, “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today”. This is probably one of the most quoted sentences in the book. Fellow AA's quote this on a regular basis in meetings all over the world. I have always believed this to be a true statement as far as it goes but it can be taken a step further. I know today that acceptance is very important but not near as important as forgiveness. “Forgiveness is really the answer to all that is wrong with me, both then and now.”

     Growing up, in a dysfunctional household, my personality was molded around self-hatred and fear. There was nothing, absolutely nothing that I liked about myself. I was to short, too skinny, too shy, afraid of girls and had a family that was “crazy as a bedbug”. In my family there was lots of alcohol, family secrets and emotional abuse. I never remembered my parents saying that they loved me so I grew-up not knowing what love felt like, never mind how to give it. Self-hatred masqueraded as anger backed up with fear. When I did something wrong or didn’t live up to someone’s expectations the self-hatred grew. It kept growing until I found alcohol at 12. By 20 I was a daily drinker. That became my way of life until I sobered up at age 42. I was angry at everything, everyone, especially myself and didn’t have a clue how to get out of the deep hole I had put myself in. It was a very dark and sad place. I was now sober but still very sick on the inside.

     I didn’t come to AA skipping down the road with Jesus as some do, but rather looking down at the floor, shame oozing out of every pour, and a boatload of fear, with no God to help me. I could not look at myself in the mirror without despising the image that was looking back. I had no idea what was going on inside me. I had some hope that if I could not drink, somehow things would get better. It was only a small spark but never-the-less a spark.

     Now move ahead 6 years. Meetings everyday, no sponsor, no steps and still carrying all those negative emotions inside me. After having a gun to my head, I reached out to a fellow AA and started on the road to recovery. Friends would say to me, "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly". I was also told "if you were going any slower you would be going backwards".

     After many years of working the steps, professional help for dealing with the inner me, I came to the place of forgiveness within myself. I have since forgiven myself for ALL the things I had done to others and the things that were done to me. I forgave my parents by separating what they had done from who they were. I still do not accept the circumstances but can now love them for who they were, my parents. I no longer carry the burden of their guilt. I have set myself free from all those ill feelings which never worked anyway. Every day I would look in the mirror and say, "you are forgiven by God for all those things and now I forgive you as well". I stopped seeing myself as a sick person but instead as a loving father and friend. It took time and effort but eventually I started believing that guy in the mirror. I now know that, "even if I am on the right track, I will be hit by the train unless I am moving", so everyday I have to continue to love and forgive myself especially when the ugly side tries to come out and play the Blame Game.

     To this day most all my anger has been forgiven. It has taken far too long for me to get where I am but you know, it is what it is, and I can only look at me right now in this present moment and like what I see.

     Today I have to live within my own skin. When I feel uncomfortable for any reason there is something or someone I need to forgive. Doesn’t matter what it is; it usually takes forgiveness to get past it.

     If there is something or someone you need to forgive, don’t wait like I did. Life is too short to spend most of it in misery. Remember, misery is optional and could be a distant memory if your willing to forgive. So Easy Does It, but Do It.